The Fedora Hat

TG Caps and Stories.

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Monday, October 11, 2010

Evolution of the Boob

This one's been sitting in my queue for quite some time, but I felt now was a good a time as any to refine and publish it. I'm not going to pretend that I wrote most of what is in this post, but I couldn't help using these pics and text to make a TG themed story. Head on over here to see my blatant plagiarism.  Hit the jump to begin. Enjoy.

Hi, my name is Henry. You don't think you know me, but you do. I've been the center of your centerfold since Playboy was conceived in Little Hugh's head. Back in the late 40s, I was cursed. It's a long story, but the outcome is this: I was forever doomed to stay in a female body that would change to be attractive to as many people as possible. Safe to say, I've been around for a while. Long enough to know that America's taste in women varies by decade. I wouldn't call you fickle, just products of your generation. And your taste in boobs is no different. Follow me and my path of female bodies and the evolution of the boob.

The 50's were my favorite decade. Natural, wholesome, fun—boobs were all of these during the '50s. The same attitude behind the boinking that gave rise to the Baby Boom generation was evident in the era's, and my, breasts: nothing contrived or fake, just pure, genuine joy expressed in a sexual fashion. Needless to say, the 50's really eased me into my new roll.

The Cuban Missile Crisis, the first serious confrontation in the Cold War, occurred in October 1962. Right around that time, something odd started happening to the shape of my boobs. More and more, they began to look like missiles themselves. It was a palpable physiological response to the tension, almost as if to say "You're gonna point those things at us? Well, we're gonna point these things right back at you!" Now that's what we call staring down the enemy! But things would change heading into the next decade.

Hippie culture, bra burning, the second wave of the feminist movement—these phenomena that originated in the '60s all contributed to a noticeable falling of my breasts in the '70s. Their perky, straight-ahead trajectories disappeared, just as idealistic "peace and love" attitudes did when some serious reality set in. No need to get into specifics, as doing so would unnecessarily cast a dark cloud over this wondrous discussion. All that matters is the sheer awesomeness of the teardrop boobs of this era.

From junk bonds to "read my lips: no new taxes," the '80s was a decade characterized by falsehoods. B.S. was all over MTV as well, as more and more rock stars wore wigs on their heads and stuffed cucumbers and whatnot down their pants. Not surprisingly, breast implants became more common during this time period. Which isn't to say implants are inherently evil; quite the contrary, if they're done right. I'd take 'em over someone conning people out of their life savings or lying straight to the faces of millions any day.

Nirvana's Nevermind and the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magik were released on the same day in 1991. That 1-2 punch caused a seismic shift not only in the music industry but in pop culture as a whole. At the same time, smaller, more athletic breasts (an "alternative" to '80s racks, if you will) came back into vogue. As the decade progressed we saw the 1996 introduction of the WNBA and Brandi Chastain showing off her sports bra during the 1999 Women's World Cup, which helped push heavy, pendulous breasts into the background.

Gas prices down, gas prices up. Stock markets soaring, stock markets crashing. MySpace cool, MySpace passé. The "Aughts" were all over the place in a variety of ways, and the decade's breasts were no exception. Big, little, real, enhanced—there's no way to pinpoint a specific trend with regard to this era's boobs. Not in all my years have I experienced so many different types of bodies in so little a time. I blame the internet. Many historians have labeled the '00s as a lost decade. I'd like to remember it as a time when society found something again—an appreciation for all boobs great and small. And we think to ourselves, what a wonderful world!

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